Like everyone else, I’m tired of this pandemic. I am not unique in this, although I confess that my coping mechanisms feel a little frayed at this point and I am PMsing, so everything feels super urgent and extreme.

Some of the members of my volleyball team emailed today. Our league is starting up an outdoor Sunday afternoon series (with a deadline to sign up of tomorrow), and they proposed we join with the caveat that we, at least, wear masks (the official rules say you just have to wear them if you’re on the sideline) and that if it seemed like people were idiots we could just walk away.

I want to join them for this so badly. They were a big part of my social network prior to the pandemic, with a year’s worth of weekly games and nights at bars under our belts. Plus, I’m just not getting as much outside time or exercise as I should, and I’m suffering for it. And with Rudi gone at his mom’s for the foreseeable future, my bubble shrinks to one person who I see occasionally and that seems like a problem.

Plus, there’s the possibility that we have to move out and take care of his mom and then this becomes my last chance. (There is at least an equal chance that we stay here and find some alternative care situation out there, so take that as you will.)

However, I don’t think I should play. Cases in D.C. have doubled in the last month. (Honestly, I don’t know how much of that can be traced to federal leaders behaving irresponsibly or to an uptick in college students with off-campus housing returning to the area or to just normal increases with the cooling weather.) People exercising seem to be among the worst violators of the mask rule, and I don’t anticipate that volleyballers would be any better, particularly as it’s a segment of the population that skews younger.

I’m not at particular risk and I’ve been super careful up to this point — always wearing a mask, not traveling, keeping my indoor public time to a minimum — in part so that if our family, who are in higher risk categories, had sudden health issues I could get to them without feeling particularly worried I’d make things worse.

Plus, there’s the financial angle to consider. If we as a group or individually do decide that it’s not a good idea and it’s too much risk, then that’s a bunch of money essentially lost (urban team sports are a rip-off). And with only one income supporting us now in two cities, I simply can’t justify throwing money away. Signing up would be a luxury; if it’s one I’ll benefit from, then it’s worth it, otherwise it’s a waste.

So there you have it: want vs. should in a late-night incoherent rambling.